Joy & Sadness

It was the morning of January 31, 2019. I know this because the date is written in the margin of my Bible. I was in distress. My son Levi was sick, suffering the symptoms and circumstances that come with the illness of addiction. Our families were estranged and I was not allowed to see my grandson. So I was struggling.

I like to start my mornings with a cup of coffee, a walk among the flowers, my journal, and my Bible. I believe what that book tells me about God, myself, and the way to live. But on this day, I was so distracted by the pain in my heart that I could not concentrate. There are no flowers in January to walk around and I could not make myself read my Bible or journal my thoughs. That made me irritated with myself and I felt a little guilty.  I found myself pacing the floor of my living room trying to talk myself into compliance. I wanted to pray but could not find words. This situation was not new and I had used up all the words I had to offer.

 As I paced, the scripture "The joy of the Lord is your strength" came to mind. Odd. I have a list of scriptures that I pray for my son and that was not one of them. Quite frankly, I consider that verse, one of those ones that gets slapped on a coffee mug or quoted without considering its true meaning.  So it didn't mean much to me but I could not shake it. I said it out loud a few times. Why couldn't I feel some joy? I mean, I know the Lord - I spend lots of time with Him - I believe His Word - so why couldn't I talk myself into some joy? I felt guilt again, like a final layer over the sludge I was already feeling.

Also, I had to admit I had no idea where this verse was in the Bible. I reasoned that the words "The joy of the Lord is your strength" must be in there more than once, maybe lots of times. After all, the phase is common among people like me who follow Jesus. We even repeat it in songs. So I looked it up. To my surprise, while the theme of joy in God being a source of strength is certainly throughout the Bible, those exact words are only quoted once, in Nehemiah 8:10. I underlined it.

I know that you cannot cherry pick through scripture looking for one liners that suit your needs. Scripture does not work that way. The context in which the writing takes place is important and can have everything to do with its meaning. I am familiar with the story of Nehemiah but not the specifics of this chapter so I set to investigate.

Nehemiah had rebuilt the wall around Jerusalem. This is a great story of a man called outside of his normal occupation and comfort zone to take on a God-sized job. He had great opposition both from inside and outside but persevered. In chapter eight, we read that the wall is done and the people have been assembled in the city square to hear the reading of the scriptures. Verse six says they "bowed their heads and worshiped the Lord with their faces to the ground" They were grieving because they knew that in the past they had done things that displeased the Lord. But with the wall rebuilt they had hope. It is a great story written about and to the Jewish people. But here's what I absolutely love about God's Word. Even the parts that were not written to me, are written for me. And in this case for me in a very special way.

Guess who said "The joy of the Lord is your strength" in verse 10… the men in the tribe of Levi. Go ahead, laugh.  Verse 10 is sandwiched between verses 9 and 11 which both describe the Levites, who were the priests, giving instruction to the people to not grieve and to regard this day as Holy. The tribe of Levi! Oh my gosh! The literal origin of my son's name. Oh come on... how is that even possible?! I pictured Jesus peering down with a wink and a nod as if to say "see what I did there? (chuckle)".

What proceeded was one of those Holy Spirit filled moments when I don't know if I'm laughing or crying. Fifteen minutes earlier God had given me a verse that had no significance to me yet upon looking it up, was surrounded by my son's name. First off, scripture stands alone. I could have read my choice of scripture this morning and found plenty of applications to my situation. But the fact that God sent me something so specific is absolutely astounding and let's be honest, pretty funny.

I scribbled the date next to what I had underlined and spent the rest of the day with a measure of joy. Not a discipline that I talked myself into but a joy that came just as it did for the people in the story. It came through reading the scripture and the personal experience. I was seen! Personally and specifically in that moment in my living room. God saw me and reached out to me when I could not reach out to Him. I had more faith than I had fifteen minutes earlier. And as for all the guilt. Hooey! I know better than to entertain that. That gets solved in another Bible story. The one where Jesus paid for my guilt so I can be free.

My sadness, which was situational, wasn't going to go away on this day. But now, it would coexist with a joy that was eternal. That’s not an oxymoron. I live in this world, but Jesus says I belong to His Kingdom. And so, I experience the emotions of both. I know which one eventually wins and my heart found peace. And just like the people in the story, my joy came from God not myself.  I won't conclude with application for you. I will leave that to you and God. I will simply tell you scripture is always true and God is always personal.